- You feel a little personally hurt and offended by the fact your flatmate roasts vegetables in the oven WITHOUT OIL, because it’s never really occurred to her to add it.
- You think it’s acceptable to spend over £100 a week on food for yourself in Waitrose, M&S, assorted less illustrious supermarkets, newsagents, pound shops (mmm factory reject chocolate!) and eating out alone.
- You steal your flatmate’s biscuits and blame her, because she would have eaten them sooner if she really wanted them and anyway, WOULD YOU LEAVE A CRATE OF BEER IN THE HOUSE WITH AN ALCOHOLIC?!
- You feel bad for eating your flatmate’s biscuits and buy a packet to replace them, but eat most of the replacement packet too because, once again, it’s not your fault she doesn’t eat fast enough.
- You keep trying to stick to 1,200 calories a day/29 ProPoints a day/green days and red days, but wonder why you are rapaciously hungry all the time and end up giving in after a short while. “But I had a sandwich with low-fat cream cheese, reduced-fat crisps and an apple for lunch, then I had a handful of cherry tomatoes at 3pm, too! Why am I desperate for a big plate of dinner at 4.30pm?”
- You feel deeply deprived, and as though you are punishing yourself, if the butter you add to your bread isn’t thick enough to see teeth marks in. And as for people who weigh eight stone and think butter is interchangeable with fucking Flora...
- You can’t concentrate on conversations because the bitch opposite has a half-finished slice of cake on her plate, which you are desperate to eat but can’t because you don’t want to look like an out-of-control pig. You yearn for someone to take the plate away so you can breathe again.
- You burn with resentment towards slim people and internally rage about how unfair it all is. Then you find some old receipts: “Walkers Variety Pack 6x25g. Chocolate and Viennese Biscuit Selection 300g. Tesco Finest Spiced Carrot Cake.”
- Foods like these are part of your daily diet:
- Multiple
packets of crisps and/or digestive biscuits dipped in houmous
- Gnocchi
with garlic, herbs, half a packet of butter, three different types of cheese
and a dash of double cream (if you’re actually thinking of making this, I also
recommend adding chopped walnuts, grated sweet potato and chilli)
- Supermarket
pizza livened up with lashings of garlic mayonnaise and chilli dipping oil
- One
and three-quarter tubs of ice cream (by which I mean the 500ml ones, obviously –
and at least you didn’t eat two whole tubs)
- You are scared to weigh yourself.
