Men, women and the 'friend zone'

(Edit: the author of the post I linked to below explained to me on Twitter that her post was a direct response to "*actual* whining - the aggressive kind - about female 'bitch' friends who won't fuck". Fair enough, I replied - that is a very immature and selfish way for anyone to react to rejection. I do think she should have made this point clear from the start, though, and my points still apply to the person who re-tweeted it with the ASSUMPTION that all guys feel "entitled" to sex.)

Today I’ve a small personal pet peeve on which I’d like to set the record straight. Ever since the term was popularised by Ross from Friends in the mid-1990s, the ‘friend zone’ has been, in the popular imagination, somewhere women banish men on a regular basis. Accordingly, this smug “feminist” “satirical” post attacks men who have the audacity to “whine” about being friend-zoned. As one re-tweeter put it, “Aww diddums, did a girl not want to have sex with you after you got all entitled?”

But who on earth decided that only women friend-zone men? Let me run you through two common scenarios:

Scenario 1: You are a funny, nice, reasonably attractive young man. You meet a young woman who instantly ‘clicks’ with you. The two of you begin spending time together, talking and laughing for hours. You adore her, want to sleep with her and picture her as your girlfriend. She’s happy with the friendship as is; you’re crushed and utterly baffled. You continue to spend time with her, hoping she’ll come around. But the most you get is platonic trips to the cinema and her asking your advice on her latest crush.

Scenario 2: You are a funny, nice, reasonably attractive young woman. You meet a young man who instantly ‘clicks’ with you. The two of you begin spending time together, talking and laughing for hours. You adore him, want to sleep with him and picture him as your boyfriend. He’s happy with the friendship as is; you’re crushed and utterly baffled. You continue to spend time with him, hoping he’ll come around. But the most you get is occasional sex when he’s drunk and/or you throw yourself at him.

And that’s it. The only difference is that men are more likely to sleep with women in their ‘friend zone’. The woman knows the score, but she goes ahead and has sex with him anyway. In the excellent Girl with a One-Track Mind, her blog-turned-book, 'Abby Lee' aka Zoe Margolis describes a man she was sleeping with telling her, “I’m sorry. It’s not that there isn’t attraction between us – clearly there is – I like you very much; you are terrific company. But I just don’t feel that thing... the chemistry... where you know you want to be in a relationship with somebody – it’s not there for me”.

A guy who friend-zoned me explained it thus: “There are two kinds of sexual attraction. One you could feel for pretty much any woman – you just want sex. The other is like wanting to eat someone, and that wasn’t there with you.” I still cringe at the memory of hearing that. Ouch!

I’m sure we can agree that rejection is a big, painful kick in the teeth for anyone, regardless of gender. So why are men decried as “whiners” with a “sense of entitlement” for expressing their sorrow and frustration, when a woman in the same situation would be endlessly listened to – and would probably be told that the man who has friend-zoned her is a bastard or an idiot, and she can do better?

Two reasons. Firstly, because men are generally still expected to “suck it up” in the face of problems, whereas women are encouraged to express themselves to the point of self-indulgence. Both approaches have their pros and cons – men are lonelier on the whole, with a much higher suicide rate, but many say it helps that people expect them to get on with it.

Secondly, because men are conditioned to expect sexual rejection as a matter of course; it happens, and it doesn’t affect your credentials as a man. Yet women still subconsciously believe that to be worthy, we have to be devastatingly attractive to every man that walks past. Most women will obsessively compare themselves to others in terms of sexual attractiveness; if your slim, beautiful friend assures you you’re just as attractive, you can’t help but detect a little patronising disingenuousness. We’re mired in passive-aggressive games and beauty-as-self-worth just as surely as if it were 200 years ago, and that’s why sexual rejection is particularly hard for women to take – not only have you been rejected, but now other women are going to judge you for it and feel superior. So of course it’s easier to blame the man and call him a bastard/idiot.

The point is that posts like the one I linked to aren’t “feminist” - they actually damage the cause by reinforcing these tired preconceptions based on gender. They give the impression that feminists are smug people with knee-jerk man-bashing opinions, who don’t deserve to be taken seriously. This image is going to be a bit of a problem when they want to encourage more women to identify as feminist or when they talk about, y’know, other minor issues like the fact that a rapist has approximately a 1% chance of being convicted, or the fact that two women every week are killed due to domestic violence.

So get real, my feminist sisters. Stop preaching to the choir and get more self-reflective and balanced if you want people to listen to you.